Presently: September 2023 – Peanut Butter Fingers

Hey mates. How are you? How is your week going? It seems like we’re solely at some point into the week over right here due to the lengthy weekend. We spent our weekend near dwelling and loved numerous time outdoors and enjoyable with family and friends. It felt like the ultimate hoorah of summer season as all of our boys are again in class this week and we’ve had little glimpses of fall climate within the mornings.

As for at this time, I’ve my espresso in hand and I’m prepared to talk with you guys however my mind feels jumbled and my feelings are admittedly in every single place. I’ve 1,000,000 totally different concepts for at this time’s weblog submit and figured I’d go forward and mesh all of them collectively within the type of a “Currently” blog post — aka the proper all-over-the-place fashion weblog submit that makes it straightforward to share somewhat little bit of all the things swirling round in my frazzled mind proper now. My final “Presently” weblog submit was in February so I figured we’re overdue anyway. Let’s dive in!

Presently: September 2023

  • Presently Soaking Up… the final of summer season

We’ve had some cooler mornings over the previous week or so which have me craving sweater season however one other a part of me is protecting my toes firmly planted in summer season so long as attainable. I like lake days, pool time and feeling heat sunshine on my pores and skin. We had 14 youngsters and 11 adults over on Sunday for almost six hours of enjoyable on the lake and it made me so, so glad. Once we constructed our dwelling, we envisioned internet hosting family and friends and all-day gatherings and seeing our children gentle up as they splashed and swam within the lake made me really feel so grateful for the one billionth time.

  • Presently Can’t Consider… it’s (lastly) again to high school for ALL of our boys!

After residing in limbo for 3 weeks with Chase in class and Rhett and Ryder semi-patiently awaiting the start of their preschool 12 months, all three boys are again in class this week (with a staggered begin for Rhett for 2 weeks however at the least it’s one thing). This bizarre limbo zone of 1 child in class and two youngsters out of college admittedly wasn’t my favourite. I LOVE summer season and adore it when all youngsters are dwelling and now we have full freedom in our schedules and I like the routine that comes with the varsity 12 months however the limbo zone of college for one child and no faculty for 2 wasn’t my favourite. Apparently I’m an all or nothing form of lady with summer season or the varsity 12 months so now that we are able to formally say faculty is in session in our home, I really feel like I can start to embrace our new routine.

  • Presently Trying Ahead To… Cheering for Ryan throughout his first FULL IronMan!

After months of back-and-forth, Ryan formally registered for his first FULL IronMan. He’s accomplished three 70.3 IronMan races and has one other one he’ll be doing with my brother-in-law on his schedule for the top of September however he’s had a full IronMan at the back of his thoughts for some time now. A full IronMan is a LOT — we’re speaking 140.6 miles (a 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike and a 26.2 mile run) — and I’d be mendacity if I mentioned I wasn’t somewhat nervous for him. The space simply completely blows my thoughts however I additionally know he completely can do it. He’s devoted, motivated and robust and we’ll be rooting for him throughout the race and within the two months main as much as it as his coaching kicks into full gear.

  • Presently Remembering… Greg

Shedding my father-in-law was one of many hardest issues our household has confronted. It’s one thing we nonetheless battle with and take into consideration usually, particularly as grief manifests in several methods. The opposite day I learn Brittany’s blog post the place she touched on shedding her father greater than three years in the past. Her phrases had been highly effective and there was one a part of her weblog submit I’ve discovered myself enthusiastic about on repeat. I needed to share her phrases right here for anybody else who may be navigating loss in a method or one other.

“One factor I learn about myself now could be that I don’t wish to dwell within the adverse. Nonetheless, I’ve pushed myself currently to take the time to really feel, actually really feel, this stuff earlier than taking a deep breath and recentering on the gorgeous life proper in entrance of me. ‘Change the channel,’ as dad used to say. I consider that the complete spectrum of feelings make us human and I wish to expertise all of it, whereas all the time returning to face the sunshine.” 

Her perspective felt just like the reminder I wanted to take a seat and really feel the immense ache that may bubble up once I take into consideration Greg and about what all Ryan skilled and is experiencing regarding the lack of his father. It additionally served as a reminder that it’s okay to really feel these issues, cry the tears we have to cry and take these shaky deep breaths even after we know what now we have proper in entrance of us is one thing to cherish.

  • Presently Ruminating Over… Our “must be” due date

I haven’t talked a lot about our fourth miscarriage since sharing somewhat bit about it again in January after which relating our loss once more once I mentioned our household’s thoughts on a fourth child in March. A giant a part of me seems like I’ve exhausted all discussions of miscarriage on this weblog and one other a part of me realizes it’s in all probability actually freaking annoying to examine for anybody on the market whose longing for a kid (nevertheless which will look) goes unanswered. It additionally felt “small” (for lack of a greater phrase) in comparison with the immense loss we felt when my father-in-law handed away.

On the identical time, one other a part of me acknowledges that utterly ignoring this loss on this area isn’t being true to myself both. To be sincere, it’s one thing I’ve discovered myself struggling extra with lately, as our “must be” due date got here and went in August.

My coronary heart is struggling as a result of I want so deeply I had our child at dwelling with us proper now. I want I had our child sleeping on my chest as I kind up this submit. On the identical time, I nonetheless very a lot stand agency within the phrases I shared again in March and never one single factor has modified since then regarding rising our household. (We’re not attempting for a child and sure is not going to ever once more. The considered being pregnant once more fills me with intense anxiousness and I meant it once I mentioned I don’t assume my coronary heart can undergo it once more.)

Whereas I discover myself eager for the newborn we misplaced, it’s that child I’m grieving and eager for and never essentially one other child. This will not make any sense to a lot of you studying on the market (and I’m unsure it could’ve made sense to me after our first losses once I was very agency in my emotions surrounding wanting extra youngsters) but it surely’s virtually like a large number of grieving the newborn we misplaced and praying for peace as we proceed to maneuver ahead into the subsequent section of parenting. It’s a section that’s so fantastic and enjoyable and thrilling and a section I’m prepared for but it surely additionally feels so very closing to say that’s the place we’re headed. There’s a swirl of feelings that bubble up once I give it some thought and people emotions have solely felt all of the extra intense because the “must be” due date of the fourth child we misplaced got here and went final month.

  • Presently Feeling… glad heartache

Final evening I had a second the place I discovered myself sitting on the bottom within the boys’ bed room with tears rolling down my cheeks. We had been about 20 minutes right into a rockin’ dance celebration and Chase and Ryder requested me to cease dancing and sit down and watch them. As I watched our three boys dance of their matching pajamas with none inkling of self consciousness and as I watched them leap and shake and twirl with pure pleasure, I couldn’t assist the tears. I discovered myself crammed with what I can solely describe as glad heartache.

I discovered myself questioning how for much longer they’ll wish to do that collectively. I discovered myself totally recognizing the years of unabandoned dance events aren’t infinite and the years crammed with our boys trying to me for consideration, love and all the things gained’t final. It shouldn’t and it’s my job to ensure it doesn’t however the best way I felt final evening additionally served as a reminder to soak all of it up.

As Ryan and I let Pepper out collectively after the boys had been in mattress, I informed him the tears got here final evening as a result of I do know deep inside my soul that there’s going to be a time sooner or later — in 10, 20, 40+ years — once I would do something to relive final evening’s dance celebration. We’re within the absolute thick of parenting younger youngsters and that doesn’t come with out its challenges however we’re additionally within the thick of probably the most extremely candy, lovable, fantastic, consuming, enjoyable and joyful years, too. I do know it. I really feel it. And I wish to cherish it.

Questions of the Day

Choose a “Presently” or two and share… 

  • Presently absorbing…
  • Presently can’t consider… 
  • Presently trying ahead to… 
  • Presently remembering… (If you happen to’d wish to share extra about somebody you’re lacking deeply and remembering, I’d be honored to learn extra about them. I do know typically it could possibly really feel good and cathartic to share one thing good about somebody you miss a lot.)
  • Presently ruminating over… 
  • Presently feeling…